Apes Studied In Human Settings

A new study will be placing bonobos into human-like settings to study how they respond. The apes will be able to use a kitchen, access a vending machine, and communicate through computers. Any bets on how long it will be before the apes are surfing the Internet for porn?

Honestly, who is funding these research studies?

Link to CNN

Capital Murder, Geritol Style

This one will make you think twice about crossing anyone with blue hair. My guess is that she might have gotten off of the charges somehow had she not used the claw end of the hammer.

Link | MSNBC

Russell Crowe on Al Queda Hit List

Stories like these make me believe that the whole WTC thing was just a lucky-once-in-a-lifetime shot for the bad guys. Why couldn't it have been Sean Penn?

Link | Defamer

Monkey Attack Update

This story just keeps getting worse. I'm updating my earlier post to say that I think that the movie version of this story just went from PG-13 to NC-17. According to reports, the man who was attacked

"...lost all his fingers, an eye, part of his nose, cheek, lips and part of
his buttocks. One foot was mutiliated. Authorities say his genitals were
mauled as well."

I'm guessing that other people who have pet monkeys are looking to unload them on eBay tonight.

Link

Cops: Chuck E Cheese Style

From The Week magazine comes this gem:

Police in Colorado used a Taser gun to subdue a man accused of overloading his plate at a restaurant salad bar. Danon Gale, 29, and the manager of a Chuck E. Cheese got into an argument over how much salad he’d taken. When police could not resolve the dispute peacefully, they shocked Gale twice with the stun gun. “They tased him in my sister’s lap,” said witness Felicia Mayo. “They had no regard for the effect this would have on the kids. This is Chuck E. Cheese, you know.”

I'm guessing that Mr. Gale has a buttload of free tokens coming his way.

Chimps Gone Wild

This one sounds like another one of those shows that Fox has become famous for. The plot:

Moe the chimp, who has been sequestered for 5 years after biting off a woman's digit, celebrates his 39th birthday in style. Meanwhile, two of his "disciples" (Buddy and Ollie) decide enough is enough and get medieval on a 60-year-old couple. In the process, a man loses a good bit of his nose and two chimps lie dead.

I can almost hear the pitch meeting in Hollywood now: It's kind of like a cross between the Manson family story and Silence of the Lambs...except with chimps.

Coverage on BoingBoing
Story on CNN

Luxury Hotel Opens at Hitler's Alpine Retreat

I've heard that they have a terrific barbecue night featuring authentic German (slightly used) ovens.

Link | Reuters

Actor Tom Sizemore told to beat drugs or die

If you skim this article too fast, you might miss the detail that Sizemore was caught trying to use a "prosthetic penis" filled with a clean urine sample to fake the results. I don't know about you, but I'm guessing that using a prosthetic penis is pretty high up on the list of addiction warning signs.

Link | MSNBC

Lohan's Dad: O.J. Has Nothing On Me

It's hard to imagine a news story that would actually make you feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan, but this is close. Lohan's estranged father is quoted as follows:

"O.J. Simpson has nothing on me," Michael Lohan allegedly told the family's security guard last year. "I know exactly how I'm going to kill (them). I know when I'm going to do it, and I'm going to enjoy it."


Great...yet another opportunity for O.J. to roll out his "absolutely, completely 100% not guilty" rap again.

Link to AP